What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 08:25
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do atheists want to see God so badly?
Especially a lifetime of it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What is it like to be the slave in a mistress-slave relationship?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
All the time i was locked up.
Who then, do I blame.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why do many men like women's breasts?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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My life is so biszare .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
What can you do if someone makes a false accusation against you?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do older men realize that younger women usually do not prefer them?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It was going to be , some day.
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So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
What melts your heart every time without fail?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But it wasn’t much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Would this be the day?
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
So, i spoilt her more .
She was in good health!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She married twice! .
So whats the point in blame.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He knew the spot.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She found it foreign!.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was very sick at this time too.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She wouldn,t have been !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But, we were locked up after school.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
We all went to grammer schools
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I said to her
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is soul school!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We were not on the streets..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was scared of men, in general
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My family never makes their pension either.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i lived it daily.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
She loved him until the end.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He resisted the act ,that day.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ive learnt so much.